Beware of Thick Ankled Women!
Thursday, June 17th, 2010It’s funny the kinds of things that you remember sometimes. Just a little while ago I began smiling because I was thinking about something my mother told me many years ago. I was a teenager at the time, and I think that I was dating several girls instead of just dating my steady girlfriend. My mother, for some inexplicable reason, was not too crazy about that, so she gave me a lecture about how I was going to lose her. She went on and on and on about it, and I finally grumbled back some sort of response, which prompted her to look at me and say something that I still remember to this day. She said,
“Son, beware of city women that smell too good, country women that act too good, and old women with fast hands.”
Pretty profound, huh? I thought so, too. Funny thing, though, since then I’ve learned a little more about life, and have picked up on something rather interesting. She was one hundred percent right about watching out for the smelly city women, the too good country women, and she was very, very right about the fast handed old women, but I’ve discovered that it’s not these type women that men need to watch out for the most. In my experience, the women that you need to watch out for the most, in fact, the women that you need to give a very wide berth to, is those women with thick ankles.
That’s right, women with thick ankles. I mean, think about it for a second, women with thick ankles need to be given plenty of space. Ed Jr. whole heartedly agrees. When I asked him about this, he told me that women with big ankles naturally have bad dispositions. He said that they really have no choice, if you think about it. When I asked him why, he said that whenever big ankled women lay down that their ankles rub together. “And son, over time, they build up calluses, so it has to hurt, and it would right smart affect a person’s disposition. Think about it, a person’s ankles clunking together over and over and over again. Imagine how it would affect it a person after years of it. They’d end up being one mean, easy to rile up, parentheses legged person. When it gets down to it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman with thick ankles who’s been in a good mood.”
That’s a pretty profound statement. It also makes tons of sense. There’s just no upside to thick ankled women. If one is out walking around somewhere, her ankles just might clunk together and create a potential accident situation for both herself and others. And thick ankles can’t be disguised, if the woman wears white socks, they’ll look like softballs, if she wears orange socks it’ll be even worse as they’ll look like basketballs. Or maybe even pumpkins. And I don’t guess that there are any plastic surgeons out there who can help with this problem, after all, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone getting an “ankle lift” before. It’s a bad situation anyway you happen to look at it, and then some.
I’ve talked this over with the Happy Divorcee, aka the Pip, and he swears that he’ll never date a thick ankled woman. I’ve also talked it all out with Ray and Hugh, and we’ve decided that we’ll immediately institute a ban on any potential future visits by thick ankled women over at the IHOP. We don’t need the potential liability involved, nor can those thick ankles banging around together sound very good, it might even interfere with the BTO, Elvis, and 2 Live Crew music that we all like to listen to. And that by itself is plenty of justification for the ban.
Young men of the Southeast (and beyond), take this column as a public service reminder for yourselves – you’ve been warned both by the Godfather and The Brotherhood about thick ankled women, so take heed. Remember – you can live with a woman who has mean relatives, uses too much perfume, or makes you buy feminine hygiene products. That can all be dealt with by gritting your teeth and cussing under your breath. But big ankles? Man, if you go out and get hooked up with a thick ankled woman, you deserve to have your bank accounts drained as only Dr. Sholls can do it….
About the Author
Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,” can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.